On tragedy and grief
CW: death and loss, obviously
This weekend was my paternal grandma's funeral in California. I had my flight booked to go, and at the last minute, I had to stay behind because my son got sick.
And this made me think of my maternal grandmother, who passed in 2022, and I was unable to attend the funeral because I was too far along in my pregnancy to travel.
And this made me think of the fact that in the last few years, I've been dealing with a lot of tragedy and grief:
- In 2017, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy and required emergency surgery. (Luckily, it hadn't ruptured, but it was an emergency because it needed to be removed before it ruptured.)
- In 2018, I suffered a miscarriage, and also had to undergo a D&C to remove it, because it was not passing on its own. (But was definitely a miscarriage because the heartbeat that was there before, was no longer there.)
- In 2019, our two dogs, Belle and Semos, died within two months of each other. They were both very old (17 years!), and they had a long, loving life with us, but it was so, so hard. They were our kids before we had kids.
- In 2020... well, the entire world was trying to cope with many different losses.
- In 2021, my aunt took her own life. She had been my favorite aunt as a child, but we had lost touch as she moved across the country with her new husband. From what I gather, he was an abusive man (and hence, the "losing touch" makes sense now), and that morning was one push too far.
- In 2022, my maternal grandmother passed away, after a long-time battle with diabetes and kidney failure.
- And then less than a month ago, my paternal grandmother passed away from lung cancer.
I'm a different person than I was seven years ago, and it's not just the number of years, man. That's... a lot... to deal with.
It's making think about the fact that, while I've always ("always" as in, since my 20s) suspected that I had ADHD, my symptoms are so much more pronounced now than ever. I don't know if it's the pandemic, or me aging, or everything, but my brain just feels extremely fragmented all the time. I'm not hyperactive, so you wouldn't know just to look at me, but mentally I am ALL OVER THE PLACE, and I wonder how much of a role all of this grief and loss has played in my already deficient dopamine production. Is that a thing? I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know. What's the interplay between grief and depression and ADHD?
But to look at the silver lining, I have a greater appreciation for the things I do have in my life: After that first pregnancy loss, we weren't absolutely sure if we would try again, and in the meantime, we got a new dog (Lucy) who is now our sole pet, and she is absolutely beloved. After the second pregnancy loss, we were DEFINITELY leaning towards just contenting ourselves with having only one child, but after Belle and Semos died, it felt like our family was dwindling away. We recommitted to trying for another baby, and we eventually had our son in 2020 and our second daughter in 2022. And now our lives feel full to bursting.
And I've reconnected with some of my cousins (from both sides), and we're talking more and checking in with each other. We used to be kids together (well, I'm the oldest girl on both sides), and now, look at us being adults with children and careers! We're finding new ways to be family.
I hate the saying "Everything happens for a reason," because genuinely, I believe that sometimes the "reason" is just that life just sucks sometimes, but I am a big believer in finding that silver lining, even when the clouds seem to hover constantly (like they tend to do in Oregon for most of the year!) For better or for worse, tragedy is a part of life, and it shapes you, and it's not like I can change what happened, but I can reflect on the past to make the best of my future.
