Sometimes self-care is actually doing the hard thing
Self-care is a big thing right now.
Arguably, it should have always been a big thing, but especially now, people are always harping on self-care and how we shouldn't pour from an empty cup, etc. But are we having enough conversations about what self-care should look like?
I have several self-care and wellness -themed sticker books from a well-known planner company, and there are a POOP TON of stickers that feature the bust of a woman with a towel around her head and cucumber slices on her eyes. Like, this is the icon that is supposed to represent self-care in my planner--a spa day and a face mask.
And maybe for some people, that's what self-care is--letting go for a couple hours and sighing with relaxation. But as a representative image, I find that face masks don't even begin to scratch the surface.
I had a conversation with a friend not too long ago, in which she mentioned reading an article that basically posed the question, "Is it self-care... or is it self-soothing?" (She couldn't remember where she found the actual article, so I have not read it myself, nor do I have it here to link for you.) And I've thought about this ever since: Am I taking care of myself? Or am I just placating myself for the moment?
When I treat myself (as the saying commands) to something luxurious or decadent, is it self-care or self-soothing?
When I lie around on the couch and scroll through my phone because , is it self-care or self-soothing?
When I skip a workout because I just don't feel like I have the energy today, is it self-care or self-soothing?
When I put off things that I need to do because of how I'm feeling, is it self-care or self-soothing?
Notice that I wrote those questions with first-person pronouns, because I'm asking those questions about myself. Only I truly know the answers to those questions, just like only YOU would know the answers to those questions if you asked them of yourself. I think the answers may be different for everyone, and they may be different every time:
- Sometimes it's okay to eat that cupcake, especially if restriction will just make things worse.
- Sometimes it's okay to take a brain break and scroll on your phone for a little bit before getting back to what you were working on.
- Sometimes it's okay to skip a workout, especially when you already haven't been sleeping enough or hydrating enough.
- Sometimes it's okay to let to-do items slide to the next day, because they're not worth stressing out over if they're not very urgent.
But:
- Sometimes eating that cupcake will actually make me feel physically ill, so even if it soothes me emotionally, I will regret it when my stomach starts to hurt
- Sometimes I scroll on my phone too much, or I see something on social media that amps up my negative emotions
- Sometimes if I skip a workout and then continue to skip many workouts, I end up actually feeling really depressed and guilty
- Sometimes when I don't take care of simple to-do's and just let them slide, I end up creating more stress for myself the next day when my list is twice as long.
So again, is it self-care or self-soothing? If the purpose of self-care is to take care of myself, is it still self-care if I end up creating more/worse problems for myself?
I think that maybe self-care is sometimes doing the hard thing, to set yourself up for success beyond that current moment.
Maybe self-care is adding more veggies, even if I don't like them.
Maybe self-care is limiting my social media time, or not taking breaks involving my phone altogether.
Maybe self-care is doing a workout anyway, but doing a shorter or easier one.
Maybe self-care is handling whatever to-do's I can, whether they're the quick and easy ones, or whether they're the ones that will set me up for tomorrow.
I need to take a long, hard look at my self-care practices, and make sure that I am actually taking care of myself, and not just placating my feelings in the short-term. Because if I end up right back where I started, exhausted and depressed and anxious, then what's the point?