Mistakes were made
People love to throw around the phrase "F*** around and find out" on the internet (mainly regarding politics, however), but I regret to inform you, reader, that I did indeed f*** around, and I found out.
About three-ish weeks ago, I went to Orangetheory Fitness and had a great time, and even managed to run the final 30-second sprint for the treadmill portion. (I didn't sprint---I typically walk the treadmill portion, so my "sprint" was really someone else's light jog.)
The following week, at home, I decided I would try to do short spurts of running on my own treadmill, since running at OTF felt so great. This was mistake #1.
For one thing, if you've never been to OTF before, you should know that their treadmills are SO BOUNCY. They are absolutely the best treadmills I've ever run on. They make me feel like a little kid on a trampoline. Also, I was wearing my Hoka running shoes that morning, and if you're not familiar with Hoka as a brand, you should know that they are all about major, major cushioning.
At home, I ran on MY treadmill, which is not remotely as bouncy as OTF's. Not even close. And I was wearing my ASICS, which are great but are not as cushiony as my Hokas, aaaaaand... Oh hey, my knee doesn't feel so good! (For anyone who is new to me and my life, I have osteoarthritis in my left knee, that I incurred from a bad fall during a roller derby scrimmage, and then made worse by training for my third marathon.)
Needless to say, I did not run at OTF that weekend. Walking was fine, but not entirely comfortable.
The following Monday, the new macrocycle from Stronger by the Day started, and we were supposed to do 3 sets of 4 squats, with the third set actually being an AMRAP (as many reps as possible) with a minimum of 4, at 80% of our training max. (I even set my training max to what I thought was very low, for me.)
I was squatting 245 pounds, and the first two sets felt comfortably hard. Knee was okay. Squats have never really bothered my knee, besides me sometimes needing to wear a light knee sleeve for support on my not-so-great days---this day was a not-so-great day, except I didn't think to put on my knee sleeve. Mistake #2.
The third set, I told myself I'd just go for 5 or 6. Do a little more than the minimum. But in the moment, I was feeling fine, and they DID say "AMRAP," so... I made it to 8. Mistake #3.
BIG mistake #3, really... I was immediately dizzy and my head hurt. And then the next day, my knee was feeling EXTRA aggravated.
That was just over a week ago, and I haven't lifted since. I haven't done ANYTHING since. I f***ed around and FOUND OUT.
My knee isn't swollen or anything, and it's getting better, but it's still stiff, and if I step too hard while I'm walking, I definitely feel it.
So what do I do? I may be strong, but I'm not unbreakable. I should've been more conservative. I should've reminded myself that I'm still postpartum, and my return to lifting is not the same as someone else who didn't have a baby (and wasn't lifting anywhere close to that level effort for a few years).
Why did I go so hard? Why did I push myself? Yeah, it was gratifying to run intervals and squat 245, but it doesn't feel so great NOW, being sidelined for almost two weeks.
I am realizing that I got to a point where I'd had enough of "being weak" and arbitrarily thought I should be "back," recovered from pregnancy and birth. I'm 18 weeks postpartum as of writing this, and I have been chomping at the bit to get back to being my old self.
But I'm also realizing that there is no getting back to your old self after you've had a baby (or in my case, two in the past three years). You never stop being postpartum, not really. After all, I still carry some "damage" from my first child, who is now 13.
And why did I do it? Apparently I'm NOT above the narrative that society pushes on new moms about "getting your body back" as soon as possible and trying to rush your recovery. We need to get back in shape as soon as possible, and god forbid we still have bulging bellies, when there's no longer a baby inside our bodies! It's terrible, and apparently I couldn't escape it either. I'm willing to give grace to any other new mom about postpartum recovery, but apparently I couldn't do that for myself. And now I'm paying for it. I wanted to prove to myself that I'm still strong and athletic, and I ended up with an injury.
It's not an uncommon story among athletes by any means. But it hits a little differently when you're caught in the flood of mommy criticism and postpartum pressure. Like, it's hard enough to be a mom, and it's hard enough to be an athlete, and when you combine the two, it really feels like a lot of pressure, especially amidst all the women who miraculously trained hard all through their pregnancies or who seemed to go immediately back to having perfect bodies. Logically I'm aware that there are many reasons why they were able to do that, and that I shouldn't hold myself to those sorts of expectations, but emotionally, I too fell prey to the "If they can do it, why can't I?" trap.
Anyway... luckily, there's now an app from the crew behind Stronger by the Day with their pregnancy and postpartum workout plans, and that's where I will be for the foreseeable future. I need to scale wayyyyyy back, and come back even more slowly. I had purchased this program before (when I was more newly postpartum) but found that I had trouble sticking to it just because of the format. But now it's in app form, and I shouldn't have trouble sticking with it now, because I really like the usability of the SBD app.
In my classroom, I have a poster on my wall comparing statements that are fixed mindset vs. growth mindset, and one of the statement pairs is "I made a mistake" vs. "Mistakes help me learn." Well, I definitely made some mistakes, and it's up to me to make sure I learn from them.