Brick by brick

In Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo, gang leader Kaz Brekker plots revenge on the main boss in town. There are several times when Kaz has the man in his grasp, and it could be so easy for Kaz to kill him right then and there, but he grits his teeth and mutters "Brick by brick" to remind himself that if he can be patient and stay the course, his revenge will be far greater and more satisfying than just rashly taking the man's life right then.

I am NOT here to talk about revenge and murder, but about powerlifting.

Ever since having my baby nearly four months ago, my mind has been on lifting. It's been a long time since I have lifted seriously and consistently, but it is a goal of mine to return to competing. I want to go to Nationals someday. Maybe I could even get to Worlds! I know it's going to take a lot of work to get back in competition shape.

This postpartum period has been a struggle for me mentally because on the one hand, I have been chomping at the bit to start training again. I have been staring longingly at my barbell every time I've been in the garage with five-pound dumbbells. Even after all this time, it's really hard to shake the disease of comparison-- comparing myself to other lifters, comparing myself to even my own past performances. I have goals, and I want to destroy them NOW, dammit!

On the other hand, any time I have felt like I was ready to jump back into hardcore training, my body will remind me that it indeed has just had a child, and that I need to give myself more time. "Oh, so you think you can squat? FEEL THAT WOBBLY CORE! You think you can last longer than 15 minutes working out? YOU ONLY GOT FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP, TAKE A NAP!" It's been really hard, but I have learned a lot about listening to my body and paying attention to its cues.

That said, I have finally started barbell work again. As tempted as I was to start it several weeks ago, I am glad I waited until now. I'm not saying I'm fully, totally healed (I'm sure someone out there is reading this and going, "16 weeks postpartum? Woman, you need to wait LONGER!"), but at this point, I am also lifting again for my mental health. I NEED this, because if I don't work out regularly doing the movements that I love, I get extremely depressed. And that's an important consideration too.

I've just jumped in on Stronger By the Day's program this week, which happens to be their deload week before a new training cycle. But in my app settings, I have set my maxes significantly lower than what they really are, because I need my training percentages to be lower-- I am not in the same shape that I was when I hit those maxes. It was hard to swallow my pride and enter in "315" as my squat max, knowing that my actual max is 474, but hitting my old numbers cannot be my goal right now; my goal has to be to start a manageable, sustainable, consistent lifting routine. And I am now old enough and wise enough to know that that will not happen if I flatter my own vanity, get totally walloped on Day 1, and then give up on training for another several weeks/months. (For any non-lifters reading this paragraph, all this means is that I need to make myself take it easy and not try to be a hero in my first week back!)

Brick by brick-- I need to slowly rebuild if I want to get back to where I was (or anywhere close to it). I need to take care of myself as I train, and I need to be patient, however agonizing that may be, because if I try to rush a comeback, I will surely sabotage my own efforts. 

As you can see from my workout summary snapshot above (I love that this app generates social-media-friendly workout summaries!), I was squatting 205 as my working weight, which is the 65% of 315. Historically, this is a low number for me; however, right now, it feels comfortably hard, and I have full confidence in myself that I will not stay here forever or even for very long. I just have to be patient.